Thoughts on (my) sexuality

Passivity/Bottomness or obsessive fetish?? (In the past tense)

Obsession with fetishism generally mean some kind of dysfunction where the imaginary world becomes as important as, or even more important than, the real world. This can also be induced by (self-)brainwashing...

In my case, although it always seemed more natural to me to be bottom in a homosexual relationship, I also realize that when I sought or considered a relationship within that same orientation, the options of being versatile and top became equally or more attractive. Perhaps because I realized that preference in bed is as important as affinities, or that, without a fetish context, the "bottom" position was less attractive to me, even in the long term...

Furthermore, while living within the gay scene, I always felt a great discomfort in the bottom position, a constant and significant contrast between the fetishization of the act and its actual practice.

I don't judge others, because I believe there are many gay and bisexual men who experience anal pleasure, even for anatomical reasons. Certainly, that has never been my case. That's why I decided to break free from this sexual cycle I was trapped in.

Desire for other men or envy of wanting to be like them?

I've been thinking about this lately and I've come to the conclusion that perhaps it's not just or especially a matter of sexual attraction, but something more complex, yet easily understandable: that what I really feel is envy, a desire to be the other, and not precisely to possess him, more a matter of low self-esteem than just an expression of sexuality (without wanting to extrapolate beyond my personal sphere, as if it were a truth for all gay and bisexual men). Today, as I write this text and find myself in a different situation in my life, one that I feel is a situation of emerging from a limbo of illusions and entering a more literal or real world, at least from a more personal perspective, this confusion between the desire to possess another man and to be him seems to have become more evident. There may still be the issue of attraction, but not as homogeneously defined as is usually the case.